Humor

There once was programmer from Kentucky. In finding an office, he was unlucky. They cleaned out his bin, And gave it to Min, A PM who was much more plucky. * * * Wow…just…wow.

There’s a new ‘Pirates’ movie * * * In other news, Alea iacta est. More to follow.

MP3 link

[Scene. Interior. A Conference room with a conference table shaped like a badly-imagined Star Trek insignia contains folks awaiting an early morning call. A dark-skinned Indian fellow, running the meeting sits across from a dark-skinned Brazilian man with curly hair. The Brazilian man’s humor is less infectious than he’d like to believe.] Brazilian guy: I love languages. I know how to say ‘good morning’ 25 languages. Indian guy: That’s nice ...

Either: a) One must be sarcastic to be a programmer. b) Programming makes one sarcastic. * * * I’m really chasing my tail on this one. I’m going for (b).

If programmers dictated how software worked: Every piece of software would be 100k on disk, execute at warp speed, run on everything from a stopwatch to a supercomputer. Said program would take 10 years to develop, because “I’m close to getting it finished.” Said program would be so obscure and hard-to-use that even its author would create an script file to execute it If managers dictated how software worked: Everything would be one big chart or powerpoint slide (less than 3 bullets!). ...

If programming languages were women

So, I come downstairs from my 10am meeting, to see something very…odd. A middle-aged lady from our facilities staff had her mop and bucket, much like other days, but she was MOPPING THE CARPET. Not the tile in front of the elevators, the CARPETING! Clayton came by and we commiserated on this idea, and found it to be a metaphor for our whole frickin’ company. We’re mopping the carpet. Working hard, but mopping the carpet nonetheless.

Me: Man, I wish they’d create invisible fence for PEOPLE to keep them out of your dang yard! E: They have. Me: Really? E: It’s just so hard getting people to wear the collars!

Bella: Why are you tiptoeing through the house with your shoes on? Me: I don’t want to get the carpet dirty Bella: So, you want to look ridiculous AND get smaller footprints on the carpet?

Um…mommy… I wanna wear spidey and my football pijamas, but I can’t ‘cuz they don’t match Yike.

Q: What’s the shortest distance between two jokes? A: A straight line. * * * Signs that you’ve been programming too long… Jamie walks in and remarks that one of our compadres just got promoted, saying “What’d Tom do, port the ‘C’” Me: “Yeah, I think he’s done alot of stuff with 64-bit drivers and stuff like that. He’s an awesome coder.” Jamie: “No, man, I said, ‘Did he part the sea?’ You know, like Moses.”

A few key phrases that I’ve heard regarding software development: “Ring” code: Software so bad that if you even LOOK at the code, you’re dead, like with that darn video in The Ring Coyote project: A project so bad, you’d gnaw through your own leg to escape. Guy1: “Bob is so bad, whenever he’s informed he’s wrong, he complains that they changed it from the way it used to work without telling him. " Guy2: “I’ve had days like that” Guy1: “Bob’s had a life like that.” ...

I talk in my sleep. I didn’t know this until I went to college & I got a roommate. Up to this point, I didn’t think Whitney did, until… [interior] [my bedroom, 6am] Bella: mphrfhfhfhfhfh…chicken Me: Huh? B [mumbly]: did you take the chicken out of the oven? Me: Huh? B [annoyed, distinct]: Did you take the chicken out of the OVEN?! It’ll burn.. [I go to the kitchen and verify that the only think in the cold oven is the breadstone, then return] ...

Managers are like gamecocks: More than two in a room at once, and somebody dies. Be sure to begin each lie with the adverb: “Truthfully”. Arrive whenever you want, then derail the meeting by asking for an update Accountability? Hell, I’d settle for competence…

There’s little in life that compares to coming out of the shower to find you wife, clippers in hand, having utterly destroyed one side of her son’s head, and realizing that she must ’even it up'. It’s a simple story really: Best of intentions (“Just a trim around his ears”), worst of possible outcomes (at this she says, “well, at least he’s not bald”…never blog aloud…:-) ). Kid’s a little short to starboard now. Port is well tapered, but that’s because I seized the WWMD (Wahl weapon of mass destruction) before she could attack. ...

Yes, Jackson is hell I now have proof.

I confess. I’m a parking lot slut. Most people park in the same parking place every single day, without fail. Makes them feel comfortable and safe. Not me. Oh no, some days I’m in the mood to park in the very front, where everyone can see my shiny MINI; other days, I find a spot in the very back of the lot, away from those who would ding the Pup. ...

Technical people respond to questions in three ways: It is technically impossible (meaning: I don’t feel like doing it); It depends (meaning: abandon all hope of a useful answer); The data bits are flexed through a collectimizer which strips the flow-gate arrays into virtual message elements (meaning: I don’t know).

Why were American cars from the early 90’s so crappy? Specifically, I’m speaking of the the Chevy Lumina and Ford Taurus. Granted, these were cars of the (now non-existent) cheap, mid-size, soft suspension class, but where’s the quality? Drive a 10 year old Accord versus a 10 year old Taurus, and the Honda is a revelation. Why is it people at autocross keep trying to kill me? I was 10 feet away from 3 spins this weekend, one of which saw a guy in a Mitsubishi Evo sliding at me WITH HIS FOOT STILL ON THE GAS. Also, got to watch a 4000 lb Volvo S60R slide right into a patch of grass I’d been standing in just 10 minutes before. ...