The following come to mind for being 39 years old ( I turn 40 in November ) “Killing yourself, one M&M at a time.” Bonus points if you sing this to a “Fugees” tune and your coworker thinks you’re having a stroke. “The Advil Years”. Significant things cause you to be sore the next day. Like walking. “Remember when _____ didn’t hurt all the time?” Knees….how did these things pass design review? ...
A programmer dies and goes to heaven, meeting a rather stern St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “You do know we have a record of every sin you’ve committed?” Peter says. “Sure, whatever…I’ve got nothing to hide. I lived a very clean life.” Peter continued: “…and your full git history of every commit.” The programmer just smiled. “Great! I’m quite proud of everything. I practiced Clean Code.” “…and the full DAG. No rewrites of history in Heaven.” ...
It’s been a stellar couple of days for Joey’s sense of humor. Representative samples. “Yo’ momma so fat, Arnold Schwarzenegger tells her to GET AWAY FROM DA CHOPPA!” * * * [Interior: The Combs Clan sits around the table] Whitney (to Harold): You know, when you lie, you get spots on your face. Harold: O RLY? Tell me something and I’ll lie in response. Whitney: Yeah, say ‘I like titty-twisters.’ Harold: I…like…titty-twisters. ...
[Exterior: 3am as the Snow falls] [Garage door rises] Fusion: Psst….hey, Camry of Doom. CoD (annoyed): Don’t start what you cain’t finish, Sparky. F: Mmmm….looks mighty cold out there in all that snow. I’d offer you a place in here, but this is only for the cars they like. CoD: Yeah, yeah….I’m fine out here. I don’t need no sissy garage. F: But it’s been frackin’ cold forever it seems like. Doesn’t it hurt? ...
George Carlin (God rest his soul) had this great bit about humanity. From memory: “How’s the earth doing?” people ask. “We’re destroying the earth.” How’s the EARTH doing?! Earth is doing just dandy. Four billion years and counting. Like we’re really going to hurt the Earth. You wanna know how the Earth is doing? Why don’t you go on down to Pompeii and ask those people frozen in place under Vesuvius. The EARTH is doing just fine. It’s not going anywhere….we are. (::Wild applause::) ...
I went to college with a guy, M, who was homeschooled and had nearly perfect elocution. Bizarrely perfect, in fact, since he came from Winchester, Kentucky. To be precise M didn’t have elocution, he had diction–his voice was distinctive and every word was measured. He also spoke, as Peter Egan would say, as though he was holding a pencil clenched in his back teeth. One day he was describing the next course in his Business degree. I swore he said, “Mmmmkro”. ...
Once there was a microwave Who served his family well. Three long years he toiled Forgotten, giving, serving He showed some cracks along the way; They patched him best they could. But then one day, he broke. They knew that he was done. To fix it? Five hundred. To buy anew? The same. The decision was made right then: It was time for him to go. Now unplugged, now unlatched, Daddy lowered him to the floor. How grimy, greasy the underside! How dusty the parts behind! ...
…or, What Theatre People Do in their Spare Time. Simple curriculum dies: Thursday night: Worked until 8:30 on spec due that day. Didn’t finish it. Grudgingly resolved to come into work on 4th of July. Friday: Up before dawn, work until 11am on spec. Finish version 0.2 and email. Return home, resolving to take daughter to Jackson for family fun. Recongize I’m exhausted and will probably crash into tree on return trip. Decide not to go. Take wife and daughter on excursion around Lexington, ending up at Fayette Mall around 6pm when torrential downpour hits. Walk through mall even though all mall stores closed, except JC Penny’s and Dillards. Chase wife through baby clothes section on 3rd floor of Dillards (“But these are so CUTE!”). Watch Romeo Must Die, have chortling good time watching Jet Li parroting English phrases like, ‘Right on!’ ...
Insomnia consists of the inability to fall asleep … Whitney - Jul 1, 2008 Insomnia consists of the inability to fall asleep NOT being consistently awakened by your husband snoring, jumping up and down, rolling on top of and smothering you, and hitting you in the back. Which is why I was pissed when I nudged you and asked you to roll over bc you were snoring and you told me to GET UP AND READ A BOOK bc that helps you when you can’t sleep and then followed me upstairs after I’d halfway fallen asleep and yelled at me. Yeah. I’d say most of America would be pissed. ...
Honey, you’re not a monogamous shiny gadget guy; you’re a promiscuous shiny gadget guy. You’d buy it. You’d use it. And then you’d be done. Segue: I got to ride Stu’s Silverwing for a good half-hour. I LOVED IT. Wow, the wind, the smells, the feeling of oneness with the road. I enjoyed it much more than the last time–felt much more comfortable maneuvering the bike.
Top headline on the Scott County Public Schools Homepage R U READY 4 COLLEGE SEMINAR Attention Parents of All Students Grades 8-12 Ready to send your kid to private school yet?
If you ask a student out of college or technical school how software is developed, he’ll say the software development lifecycle (SDLC) is something like: Gather requirements for a new system Design the new system’s inputs, outputs, screens, etc. Develop the system Test the system Deliver the system to the customer Maintain the system If you’re *really lucky* he’s read enough slashdot to know, it’s more of a spiral or iterative approach–less initial work, more testing, earlier customer involvement. ...
I think you’re right (and I live in the same world… DavidJarvis - Dec 3, 2007 I think you’re right (and I live in the same world). One question is, how are companies like Microsoft making this sort of thing work? (I guess that presumes you accept that they are, as I do.) How do you “ride the nerd” to success and avoid the bloated remnant product? (Sort of like a lot of TV shows’s second season …) ...
So, on the 16th, I sat with my Mom at the Transplant clinic of the UK hospital to get the lowdown on her cancer. The room was on the 4th floor, off the ‘B’ elevators, and the atmosphere was grim. The people here had been or would be very sick, and most had a thousand yard stare, wishing they or their loved-one was anywhere but in that waiting room. Except, that is, for my Uncle Dan. ...
So, I’m trying to print something to our color printer. I go to our internet site to download a driver, then I find that the site is dog slow. So, I thought I’d report it to our IT operations. IT Guy: Hello my name is ____. How can I assist you? Me: The driver download site is very slow. IT Guy: Let me check. (pause) No it’s not. Me: Umm…I’ve tried this three times and wasted 20 minutes of my life trying to print something. ...
Had to steal this from the whiteboard in my old building. “Potential Mottos for the family crest” Why does this keep happening to me? Again?! Recidite, plebes! Duty, honor, payment We don’t know what’s broke or how to fix it The next one will be normal, you’ll see! Fabricati diem too lazy to work, too nervous to steal we don’t have clue one What, me worry? rex cloaca! Probably our fault ...
Scene: Kitchen table. Joey’s eating his A-B-C’s & 123’s. I’m reading the paper. The contents of my wallet lay spread upon the table, drying from their recent trip through the washer. (“But Honey, I was going to wear those shorts!”/“For the THIRD DAY IN A ROW?!”). Joey regards one card intently. Joe: “Harold…umm….this doesn’t make sense.” Me: “Huh?” Joe: “Well…this says Auto-Zone Re-Wards.” Me: “Yeah…” Joe: “There’s nothing rewarding at Autozone.” ...
“Do you go a day without self-reflection?” “Yes” (narrowed eyes) “Do you go TWO days without it?” (long pause) “Yes. To answer your next question: Three days is pushing it.”
Replying to your earlier email about the quality of my work. I’d just like to reiterate that while your comments about the bathroom and vending areas are valid (and appreciated), I would remind you that this building has four floors. I agree that your floor is sub-optimal. I think our whole product support organization would join me in echoing your sentiments that toilets that flush are preferable to ‘sewer gas spewing [expletive deleted] holes’. ...