Addiction

Wait….what?

So, I’ve been gambling quite a bit lately. I’ve won and lost thousands of dollars on both blackjack and craps, and I want to write about it.

::blink::

Blackjack?

CRAPS?

Keep your pants on. I’ve been playing two particular iOS apps, learning about two popular casino games. There is but one conclusion:

If you Play long enough….you lose.

So if some of you read my post Regression to the Mean and thought: “Hmm….he seems to care A LOT about what the odds on dice are…”. Bingo. Er…“Winner, Seven!”

So I resolved to change part of my regimen about 4 weeks ago.  Let’s chart the changes.

Pros

• I’m “me” again.  This is how I remember myself feeling and behaving prior to 2011.
• Coding (once I’m in “flow”) is so…much…better.  Like “lightbulb coming on” better.  I’ve felt like my mind has been shackled for the past few years, and those fetters seem gone.
• My sense of humor and general perspective is much better.   My family genuinely seems to like who I’m being at home.
• I have actual emotions again.  As we’ll see, that’s also a ‘con’, but the world seems to be in color again, not Black-and-White.
• I can be “present” once again.  Fully, wholly, don’t-care-what-the-clock says present.

Cons

• I’ve gained like 10 pounds.  Yes, in 1 month.  I have appetite like a man starving, but yet I’m full.
• I have no idea what time it is, nor can I measure its passage accurately.  Like, time dilates into one hyper-focus session and hours can evaporate in what seems like minutes.  
• I have an insatiable appetite for caffeine.  I’m constantly pounding coffee, espresso drinks, Coke Zero.  With enough of it onboard, I can feel normal.  Without it, I’m as listless as a drunken manatee.
• It’s simple to saturate me with stimuli.  I don’t have the accompanying anxiety, but I do have the shutdown-effect so common to folks with my brain chemistry.   The bar used to be so high, but now it’s laughably low.  Imagine your kids running towards you squealing when you come through the door and you curling up in a little ball with you hands over your eyes and your thumbs in your ears.
• Dealing with interruptions is hard.  Getting back into a “flow” state, especially in our open floorplan offices, is harder since any sort of visual or auditory stimulus can knock me out of flow.
• Emotions…suck.  I’ve had things I’d ordinary slough-off really impact me, almost to the point of breakdown.  On the other side of it, I’ve known real joy and laughter in ways that I just couldn’t channel before.

So basically, things aside from work are going great.  Things at work requiring me to be a poised, ready-for-anything, tactful, considerate individual are not great.

Here’s a huge reason why I gave up my Smartphone two weeks ago:

I see this.  Everywhere.

• You’re not at the event, you’re watching it through your phone’s viewfinder.
• You’re not interacting, you’re looking at the palm of your hand.  It’s quickly becoming normal to be ‘social’ while talking over or around a screen with 10% of your brain.
• You’re not thinking, you’re regurgitating what you can find on Youtube, Imdb, Google, or Siri.  While this information may be instantly correct, it obviates the need for you.  
• You’re not driving, you’re looking for the next point where you can zone out (straight stretch of road, stop sign, line at the drive-thru) so you can carry on whatever triviality you just hit on FB, Instragram, SMS, or whatever.

So, I took a step off the running train.  Blowback has been both expected and encountered:

The Dumb Phone

As my tweet stated:

Quit my smartphone cold turkey at noon.  Wonder how bad the DTs will be #addicted

One of the supreme joys of ADHD is the vulnerability you have to, well, anything that stimulates your limbic system.  Basically, early in the day (pre meds) and late in the day (when the meds tail off), my brain turns into this mush of neurons that’s desperate for stimulation, for something to make the cacaphony of input from visual, auditory, and sensory signals even out and make sense.  However, early and late in the day is the only time I regularly see my family.

Cleaning-up my life, mostly.

Next week will mark 9 months on the upward swing, moving from a place of depression, passivity, and “life of quiet desperation” to a place of reality, assertiveness, and self-confidence.  I’m not “there” yet.  Likely, I never will be, fully–that’s the humility that comes with this process.  Growing-up and gaining contentment (NOT complacency!) is a continuous process.

Things that have helped me along the way, so far:

Tired.
Bored.
Lonely.
Bitter.
Angry.
Helpless.
Controlled.
Concealed.
Afraid.
Aggravated.
Imprisoned.
Obligated.

I really don’t have anywhere to hide today. I’ve ALWAYS had somewhere to hide–work, women, racing, ****, friends, school, academics, video games, chat rooms, reading. That’s the comforting thing about being obsessive–you lose yourself in things, easily. You’re not YOU when it’s uncomfortable to be there. Obsession, fantasy, denial–they all go hand-in-hand. They’re my trinity of “not dealing with stuff”.

Fall is often the time I turn over a new leaf. Surmounting my annual September insanity, October and November are often times of rededication and renewal. Weird, I know, because for everything else in the Northern Hemisphere, these are times of dormancy and decay.

So, yesterday, I did it again: For personal reasons, and after much consideration, I gave-up unbounded use of the internet at home. My wife is my accountability partner, guardian of the (changed) passwords to all accounts on our computer. It’s a pretty drastic step, but the last 10 years of so of my life have left me with little other choice.

Ever have a day where you woke-up and just wished you weren’t yourself? That’s pretty-much me today.

Fell off the wagon this morning, very hard. I won’t go into the details, but there’s at least one person who reads this blog knows what I’m talking about. No rhyme or reason to it, just happened. I’ve had a very good week, and last night visiting with some of our Church friends was awesome, but for some reason, I took a step I shouldn’t have taken and only a few minutes later jumped right off the wagon.