On 20 Years of Marriage

So, 20 years ago today, I got married. From three days in to the marriage I screwed things up, and have continued to do so since. My wife is honoring her commitment to me, but honestly she signed-up for none of this.

In this post, I’d like to enumerate some things I’d do differently if I had a time machine.

  1. I’d still get married. It must be said: I love my wife, and I was head-over-heels in love with her when we married. I firmly believe I would be dead or in prison if not for my wife. And of course I love all our children. No regrets.

  2. I’d get married at a different time. There were financial reason we rushed to get married after getting engaged in the Spring and married by September. Getting married the next spring/summer would’ve taken some stress off everyone

  3. I would’ve moved to Lousiville and lived in my wife’s apartment. Moving threw us into immediate mortage debt, and it uprooted my wife and son from their lives and support structure (grandparents and extended family). They moved to a place where they had nobody and I was always gone working.

  4. I would’ve insisted my wife finish her degree. She is genius-level intelligent, and through my blasé stupidity this happened.

  5. I would’ve insisted on a full 2-week honeymoon that was fully-planned to somewhere memorable. I screwed this up royally because I worked at 110% level right up until the day before my wedding. No bachelor’s party, barely any help to plan the wedding. Honeymoon was supposed to be my responsibility and I fucked it up, royally.

  6. I would’ve insisted my wife keep her wedding dress. I won’t go into the scenario, but it’s utterly my fault and it will follow me to the grave.

  7. I would’ve gotten full psychiatric therapy before even ENTERTAINING a relationship with a woman. I’ve been despicable to at least 2 great women in my life, most especially my wife. Out of 20 years, it’s really only been the last 1-2 where I’ve been steady. At all.

  8. Work. I really don’t know how to solve this–I like to work. It’s really the only thing that makes me happy. But I’d (somehow) figure out how to establish boundaries with work and hold to them so that I could be there for my family. No more missing out on shows we HAD TICKETS FOR (Sarah Brightman), innumerable kids events, etc.

  9. Work Part 2: I would’ve quit. Multiple times, multiple companies. I stayed at one place 12+ years too long, to the point where I was called a “Company Man”. Passed up probably $1M in salary off the top.

  10. More vacations. I hated vacations (brain chemistry+workaholism). I was always afraid I’d act-out and I usually did, to the point where my wife allocated day 3 of the Disney vacation as “Let’s hang out at the pool because Dad’s going to go nuts”. She was right. Provided there’s corrective meds, I can do just fine on a trip now.

  11. Running. I never would’ve quit running. I pulled my Hamstring around 2008 or so and just stopped.

  12. Swimming. I picked-up swimming around 2014 and loved it. I was able to do 1/4 mile in the lap pool easily at the end. When we moved to Texas I quit.

  13. Racing. I never should’ve stopped racing. If we didn’t have the mortgage, I could’ve kept at it. It was my football/fishing/gambling. It’s really one of the few sustained activities of my adult life where I was happy. I wasn’t particularly talented, but I was good enough. I think resentment at giving this up drove a lot of my heart-of-coal behavior.

  14. We could never afford our second house. We needed to move, undoubtedly–meth house 2 doors down, and gangbangers doing the “finger gun” pointed at me from their lowriders. We could’ve picked a less expensive place, though–new place was 2x mortgage and I was under stress every month.

  15. Bring my wife into the finances. Substantially, I do things with money. Hide it. Kite it. I try to be clever, and that never goes well. I turned over our finances to my wife this year and we’ve immediately turned our finances around. Nineteen years a fool. smh.

  16. Take a more active role in church selection, school selection, family life in general. I spent the better part of 2 decades with a “Couldn’t be bothered” attitude. As a result, I’m just kinda “there” at home. I do stuff, take care of things. I’m not really a Dad, and I’m certainly not a Husband. I’m something else. Guess I earned that by that blasé attitude again.

  17. Never talk to a member of the opposite sex about your marriage. Enough said.

  18. Learn and respect the love language of your spouse, even if yours was burned-out by your overgifting parent.

  19. Realize your value isn’t your career. Making “L5” Software Engineer and being on the track of “Senior Member of Technical Staff” means nothing. That company will go private and then be bought out by the Chinese and get bled dry. Techno-Ozzymandias. “Look at my works, ye mighty, and despair”. One better: “All is vanity”

What KILLS me about all the above is: Given my track record, it’s doubtful I apply any of these lessons. If I do, I can’t undo 20 years of screwing-up that broke at least 4 relationships.

So, dear reader, as my coworkers said 20 years ago after my honeymoon story: “Wow. Thanks for telling me. This was a great example of what not to do”

Indeed.