Birthdays and Regrets
Today is my daughter’s 13th birthday.
Thirteen years ago, I watched my wife attempt to deliver our child naturally via the Bradley method, then I watched my daughter get stuck at -2 station, her head caught on my wife’s pelvis, and I watched a sex-addicted doctor cut her open and finally bring my daughter into the world.
What I left out, of course, was how utterly unprepared I was to be a father. Overwhelmed with emotion, between that 11pm and 11:30pm timestamp, I stood in the room where my wife had tried to push out our daughter, and I cried. I stood there and sobbed. I know now, those were sobs of crushing anxiety cresting into relief. They were both going to be okay.
What I also left out is my stupidity in the days that followed. As I recall, I got back to work within a week. I spent very little time at home, and I was still checking email (Lotus Notes, yay?) and trying to operate the two teams I was leading while my wife was trying to recover from major surgery and my little daughter just needed me.
I was somebody, damnit. Regular rules didn’t apply to me. I was 27, and on the fast-track to Senior Technical Staff. I had my career to think about.
What was I? I was a damned idiot.
Take. Paternity. Leave.
So, that was 2007. Things have changed somewhat since then.
Back then, my company didn’t have paternity leave. What leave you got, you typically burned vacation time for. Now, in truth, most good managers would give you like an extra week off-book, but still. The expectation was clear: YOU didn’t have that baby, your wife did. Get back to work, okay?
These days, most places offer 4-6 weeks of paternity leave. Some offer up to 6 months, just like Maternity. I think that’s terrific, and quite generous.
What I think is ludicrous? Guys won’t take it.
If you come back after < 1 week off during which you never unplugged, you’re doing two things.
- You’re an idiot (see above)
- You’re putting subtle pressure on everyone else to follow your lunacy.
Nobody can tell you this, unfortunately. You must learn for yourself: You will NEVER get that time back. The first few weeks are essential for bonding you to that child. You need to re-orient your life away from self, and career, and you need to understand what it is to have another human utterly dependent on you.
I didn’t do that. I regret it.