[Exterior: 3am as the Snow falls]
[Garage door rises]
Fusion: Psst….hey, Camry of Doom.
CoD (annoyed): Don’t start what you cain’t finish, Sparky.
F: Mmmm….looks mighty cold out there in all that snow. I’d offer you a place in here, but this is only for the cars they like.
CoD: Yeah, yeah….I’m fine out here. I don’t need no sissy garage.
F: But it’s been frackin’ cold forever it seems like. Doesn’t it hurt?
CoD: Damned right it hurts…Pain’s my only steady companion My hood’s peeling like a sunburnt albino, my suspension bushings remember the Clinton administration, and my emissions equipment hasn’t worked since Middle Girl was a baby.
F: [snorts derisively] Doesn’t sound good, Gramps. I know he wants to get rid of you, the Fat One. . .why are you smiling?
CoD: [Laughs] Boy, I came here out of necessity–they didn’t want me, they needed me. They bought me off a used car lot on a freezing october. They needed something practical, roomy, efficient, and reliable, and SIMPLE. The Fat One hates getting near you. He can fix me with a wrench if he’d ever get off his butt and do it. Cheapskate.
And don’t forget, I’ve seen your kind come and go, all “replacements” for me. That lardy van that “had a little accident.” The eurotrash I had to…eliminate. I still remember how he cried that time he sprang a leak and got mildewy, then when his lifeblood spilt all over the driveway. Unfortunate how his oil fittings got a little “too tight.” I was sitting right there watching the whole thing. I love it when a plan comes together.
No, I’m not going anywhere. They’ve already got plans to give me to Skinny boy, in a mere 3 more years.
So, enjoy that garage, Sparky. I’m sure when something goes haywire, or they finally get tired of your lack of trunk, I’ll see them drag you out of it to the glue factory just like all the rest. I’d keep looking over my shoulder for those rollbacks. I hear the hooks really hurt when they latch on to your subframe. Not that I’d know.
F: You’re a…..monster….. [lowers garage door]
CoD: Ain’t I just? Sweet dreams, Precious.