The other day, I found myself wallowing a tad, and I cried out to God, simply: “God, please help me.”
At the time, I was writing in my journal, some pretty negative, emotionally-charged stuff, like:
- I feel like a failure as a husband.
- I feel like a failure as a father.
- My career isn’t working out the way I really would like. I’m certainly duller than I was in 2010, and I feel overwhelmed all the time.
- I’m not coding regularly anymore.
Writing the above, I literally stopped in mid sentence and immediately wrote these words:
So, fuck it. What am I going to DO? Blah, bah, blah. I’ve been here, what, a dozen times before? What the fuck to do?
Here’s (part of) what I plan to do.
- I think it’s time to step out of small group leadership.
- I strongly think going off Facebook+ again would be healthy. I’m tired of seeing all the happy people of the world when I’m sad, and at the same time, I’m wasting inordinate amounts of time there when I could be working, interacting with my family, or learning.
- I will read the bible on my Kindle. Every day.
- I will write code every day, even if it’s just one function for fun. Real code, not some bullshit UML.
- I will stop watching TV, period. I can listen to basketball and football games on the radio easily enough, and I can watch movies and programs with the family on Amazon.com via Prime Instant Video easily enough. And news I can get from my twitter stream.
- I will take walks everyday no matter the weather. I’m tired of being sedentary.
- I will give gifts without expectations upon the recipient.
- I will by myself sufficient clothes and take care of them.
- I will schedule time to visit my parents at least once per month.
So far, I’ve got #1 and #2 in process. I’ve sent my resignation as Small Group leader to my pastor, and I’ve deactivated my FB account. I’ve also taken security measures against my online accounts using LastPass so I don’t keep using the same 3 passwords everywhere.
Also, as the year dawns, I’m in a considerable amount of debt so my (realistic) goal is to have all the Medial and CC expenses paid off by end of 2013, leaving us with just the Fusion and Mortgage payment. It will be tough, especially given the economic climate at the moment, but hey, it’s a goal. I have a great wife who’s great with money, so I don’t doubt we can accomplish it.
Lastly, this article hit me square between the eyes, especially its judgement that America is a hyper-competitive yet complacent place where we have no concept of relationship. I don’t know how to get there, but I’d like to have more and stronger relationships at the end of next year than as I write this.