I benefit from the polyglot nature of my upbringing. I speak two languages–English and Kentuckian. I can blend into almost anything from a discussion of Platonic philosophy through a rib eating contest at the county fair.
At the Truck Pull tonight at Rupp Arena, I realized that not everyone benefits from this, so I thought I’d prepare this handy guide. Thus:
Easy ways to tell if you’re having a Redneck good time
- Men’s fashion comes in two flavors: Carhardt and NASCAR
- Women have all three available hair colors: Blonde, Dirty Blonde, and Playmate Platinum Blonde
- You’ve never seen so many nachos in your life.
- You remark to yourself “They deep-fried THAT?!”
- The event requires ear plugs…
- …yet most people aren’t wearing them.
- You arrive in something other than a truck and people point and laugh.
- You arrive in an imported vehicle…see above.
- The announcer can embroil the crowd simply by asking who’s a Ford/Chevy/Dodge fan? If the announcer asks about Toyota, 10 GOTO END // NOT REDNECK.
- You see a man sporting a tank top in subzero January.
- Said man did not bring a coat.
- Two words: Chewing tobacco.
- The event leaves you reeking of unburned hydrocarbons.
- The participants grab the emcee’s mike and taunt the audience.
- The highlight of the night involves a wreck, accident, or explosion. (In our case it was a guy “competing” in his rock climbing racer who just happened to end-up flipping over. For the second night in a row. Yep, no shtik there….)
- Desperate to fill the dead time between heats or during a technical problem, the camera guys at the event will pan across the audience and put people up on the big screen. At a redneck event, people will do ANYTHING to see themselves on that screen. Anything.
* * *
Yet, for all I’d love to turn-up my nose, and “get above my raisin’”, I LOVE TRACTOR PULLS. And Farm Implement shows. And Rodeos. And Monster truck jams. And, stock car races (at least, in person). Yes, I’ve watched a demolition derby before.
I love all of it. Okay, I hate Pro Wrestling. Sue me.
My dad used to take me to these sorts of things, and taking Joey tonight was just neat. He’d never been before, and I bought him his own pair of earplugs and everything. The show itself was mediocre and amateur (as they always are in Rupp…), but at least they didn’t have crushing technical difficulties or a blizzard this year.
Much like funnel cakes, I think I’ve had my fill thanks to our little excursion tonight, but I was glad I went. Much the same way I was glad I went to WWE Raw, Jackass: The Movie, and the Kentucky Derby Infield. Good times.