Tired.
Bored.
Lonely.
Bitter.
Angry.
Helpless.
Controlled.
Concealed.
Afraid.
Aggravated.
Imprisoned.
Obligated.
I really don’t have anywhere to hide today. I’ve ALWAYS had somewhere to hide–work, women, racing, ****, friends, school, academics, video games, chat rooms, reading. That’s the comforting thing about being obsessive–you lose yourself in things, easily. You’re not YOU when it’s uncomfortable to be there. Obsession, fantasy, denial–they all go hand-in-hand. They’re my trinity of “not dealing with stuff”.
Sure, sometimes reality smacked me in the face, but it was a temporary thing. I could “deal” with it and get back to where all was okay: Inside my head. Life in a bubble? Yep. That bubble led me to screw-over many good people in my life
What I’m trying to do, step by step is just to be real: Stop lying to myself and others, and stop the obsessions that are just escapism. I’d like to be able to sit in a room by myself and just BE, without feeling compelled to seek real or virtual companionship to escape my own thoughts, those ugly feelings I listed at the start of this entry. Likewise, I’d like to sit in a room full of other people and feel like I belong, just as a citizen of humanity. Nowadays, I can take it for so long, and then I have to retreat back to my cloistered mind, my bubble.
There’s a window into how I’ve lived my life since I was about 14. Yikes.
Perhaps my friends have similar (or worse) struggles. In that case I say, “You’re not alone.” Perhaps they think I’m a raving lunatic.